Michelle Smiles

Teaching my children to question authority, except mine.

Will humiliate self for blog fodder

March18

Ms. Fussypants had a clip of a comedian poking fun at AC/DC today.  I told her to ask me about my first wedding AC/DC story next time we had dinner.  Thinking about it made me chuckle and I thought “What the heck, I don’t have anything else to post today!”

Let me set the scene a bit here.  About a decade ago, I married Mr. Wrong-For-Me.  Who knew?  Apparently everyone except me but that is another story entirely.  We did the whole shebang – big white dress, veil, cake and all.  We are both of Scottish descent so he wanted the guys to wear kilts.  The kilt thing was a little out of the ordinary in rural Ohio a decade ago.  I see more and more weddings with that theme now in my home town but hadn’t heard of many back then.

I have only one physical photo from the wedding – it is of my father and I.  My mom has one of her and I.  And I have a couple scanned on my laptop which is in the Geek Squad hospital.  I think my ex burned the rest.  But I scanned this one (ignore the poor quality – I have no idea how to use the scanner) to set the scene for you:

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Trust me.  It is much funnier if you can picture me in full bridal regalia for the rest of the story.

For weeks, my ex was talking about going across the street from the reception hall to a favorite bar after the reception wound down.  I vetoed that idea – it was our wedding night!  But after a few bottles glasses of champagne, I told him if I could buy a pack of cigarettes, we could all go over to the bar.  (I had promised to quit on our wedding day.)  So he bought me smokes and the wedding party was off.  Girls in bridesmaid dresses, guys in kilts, me in the big white freaking dress and veil (it was superglued to my head with hairspray I think).   In we walk to a very casual sports bar – quite the site.

There was a band playing that night and the place was packed.  Everyone wanted to buy us drinks.  I was flat out drunk at this point.  My ex looked around and said to some friends “have you seen my wife?” and they pointed at the stage.  There I am, on stage with the band in front of a couple hundred people, in my wedding dress, beer in one hand, cigarette in the other, belting out AC/DC ‘You Shook Me All Night Long’ into the mic with the lead singer (I CAN NOT sing).  I’m the epitome of class, am I not?

posted under humor | 34 Comments »

Memo #32181

March9

To the jackass in the black Jeep Cherokee:

I have seen a lot of immature, testosterone driven behavior on the road but you get your own category of ignorant.  First, you almost sideswipe our car on the side carrying the pregnant woman and 18 month old child because you wanted to race ahead in the lane that was ending and swoop in at the last minute.  Then when my husband blows the horn at you because he had to slam on the brakes hard enough to make our seatbelts lock up and swerve slightly into the lane of oncoming traffic to avoid you hitting us, you decide to retaliate by repeatedly slamming on your brakes so we will come close to rear ending you.   Apparently, the horn hurt your little feelings.  So sorry.  Then in a show of great jack-assery maturity you decide to pull over to the side of the road and open your car door 6 miles later and invite us to pull over and “settle it”.

You are lucky my husband didn’t stop (not that either of us was inclined to play your game) because you put my daughter and baby in danger and that makes this momma 10 feet tall and bullet proof.  I would have told my husband to stay in the car while I kicked your ass.

Signed,

Outraged Momma

posted under humor | 21 Comments »

Parenting tips

February25

I got an email from Mama K today with this link to parenting advice. I thought I would share some of this wisdom with all of you.

The first one, I need to make sure my husband sees. He often makes my heart stop with his tossing of Sabrina.

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Consider this my public service announcement for the month of February.

posted under humor | 16 Comments »

How many things are wrong with this picture?

January30

This picture just disturbs me.  Not because she is expressing milk – I understand that is a necessary thing.  But this looks like a torture device and she is smiling, talking on her cell phone, and writing in her appointment book.

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posted under humor | 39 Comments »

Memo to the old man at Sam’s Club

November7

Dear Kind Sir:

I tend to cut those from the older generations a bit of slack when it comes to asking politically correct appropriate questions.  I know your generation doesn’t always think about the “right” way to phrase things.  You seemed to be a nice man who was genuinely interested in my daughter so I continued to smile, if somewhat stiffly, when you asked “What is it mixed with?” after commenting she was beautiful.   I explained that my daughter was from Guatemala and you said your daughter was considering adopting from Central America because she had spent a bit of time teaching in Costa Rica.  However, I do believe I should expect some manners from your generation so when I answered your question about why we decided to adopt, I played dumb and answered the question I was comfortable answering – why we chose Guatemala.  But instead of taking the hint, your reply “No I mean can’t you have children of your own or what?” led my smile to turn a bit frosty and my “Maybe, maybe not but we decided adoption was right for our family” was much more polite than what I was thinking.  I hope if your daughter does adopt, she teaches you a better way to communicate about such things in public.  And I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate you telling random strangers in Sam’s Club that she can’t conceive.

But thank you for your interest in my daughter.

Sincerely,

The Young Whippersnapper who didn’t throw the 10 lb can of tuna at your head

posted under adoption, humor | 23 Comments »

It must be nice…

October1

It must be nice to be the only person on the face of the Earth (or at least the only one who matters in your mind).  If I was on the only one who mattered:

* I could leave my cart in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store so no one could pass by on either side while I examined the fiber content of each and every brand of cereal on the shelf while ignoring those saying “Excuse me”.

*  I could drive in the left lane while going 8 miles under the speed limit with cars continuously passing me on the right all because I might decide to turn left somewhere in the next 23 miles.

*  I could talk loudly on my cell phone to my BFF about my date last night while ignoring the customers I am paid to wait on.

*  I could park cockeyed and take up 2 spaces in a crowded lot without feeling badly at all.

*  I could take my dog over to the neighboring apartment building, allow him to poop right by someone else’s steps so that I don’t have to smell it/see it/step in it by my own steps, and not clean it up in a bag provided by the apartment complex for that very function.

*  I could move furniture at 3am regardless of the fact that I live in an apartment and people live below me.

*  I could play the music in my car so loudly that the base would shake the fillings in people’s mouths 5 cars away.

So, how was your day?

posted under humor | 17 Comments »

Multiple Memos

September8

Thursday afternoon, I finally took Sabrina to have her blood drawn for some tests her pediatrician wants to run.  I have been putting it off because I have an aversion to 1) waiting 2 hours for 2 minutes of face to face time with a medical professional and 2) causing my child pain.  But, being the grown up, I finally bit the bullet and took her to the local children’s hospital where we spent 2 hours waiting for a bored phlebotomist to take 3 viles of blood while I held my sobbing child.  A mother should never have to hold down her child while someone hurts her.  It is wrong on every level.  I couldn’t stop myself from crying as I tried to soothe my baby.  The trauma aside, I can’t say I left the hospital with a very good impression – thought I would send a couple of memos so they understood my displeasure.

Memo to the front desk/check-in clerk:

After explaining to you that the computer wouldn’t let me check in because we didn’t have an appointment (blood work is walk-in), you insisted that I could still use the computer to check in.  Let me remind you of our witty exchange:

Me: I’m sorry.  We’ve never been here before.

You:  Never?

Me:  No.  Never.

You:  Like, never ever?

The raised eyebrow I sent your way was a result of my being bowled over by your mastery of the English language, not by the long suffering sigh you let slip upon learning you would need to fill out a form.  Thank you for the kind welcome to your facility.

Sincerely,

Mom who would like to nominate you to Mensa

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Memo to Nurse Meanie:

I understand that you would rather not have multiple children running amok in your exam rooms.  However, this is a CHILDREN’S hospital.  That denotes that on occasion, you might have to put up with a few children during the course of your day.  Your suggestion to the dad with the sick 4 year old child and healthy 7 year old child that he leave his 7 year old unattended in the waiting room was unconscionable.  When he objected in his limited English, your insistence that “no one would take her” was very comforting for him I am sure.  How dare you try to bully a dad trying to do the right thing because it would be more convenient for you?  I silently cheered when he again insisted that she would stay with him and you were forced to relent.  Perhaps you need to work somewhere that the short people don’t f-up your day by being around?

Sincerely,

Mom who thinks you are a bitch

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Memo to Robotic Phlebotomist:

Thank you for being so kind and so warm while taking my child’s blood.  Those warm words that you spoke: “Child’s birthdate?” kept me calm during the rest of the procedure while you silently took my child’s blood.  The bored look in your eyes while you watched my child sob and her mom cry really took the edge off of an unpleasant experience.  Not wasting time by reassuring us both you were almost done or soothing my daughter before you stuck her with a needle instead of quietly chuckling when she began to cry really puts you at the top of my Christmas card list.

Sincerely,

Mom who hopes to see you in a crosswalk on my drive home

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Memo to White Trash Momma in the waiting room:

While I applaud your ability to point out to your 8 yr old son that “I am the parent.  You are the child”, I respectfully would like to point out that sentiment might hold more meaning if you acted like the parent instead of the child.  Your son never raised his voice yet you were screaming at him for the 45 minutes we had the pleasure of your company in the waiting room.  While we all enjoyed the constant refrain in your lovely twang of “If you do that one more time, I’m going to pop you one”, can I also point out that idle threats do nothing to change a child’s behavior?  Perhaps if you would put down the cell phone for 5 minutes and have a conversation with or play a game with your child, he wouldn’t be so restless while hanging out in a hospital waiting room.  Just my 2 cents.

Oh and loved the wool dress pants, AC/DC t-shirt, and crocs – fabulous look.

Sincerely,

A mom who wishes she had the guts to say something in person

posted under humor | 25 Comments »

A good laugh

August23

My friend, Priscilla, forwarded this to me today. If you need a good laugh, check out this e-bay auction. The auction has ended so no fear that you may buy something just because you click on the link. I want to take this woman out for a drink! What a hoot!

In other news today, Sabrina and I had lunch with the lovely Melanie and Pilar at the mall food court today. No photos – never got my camera out. But it was great fun meeting them! Unfortunately the play area was closed because apparently a child got sick so violently that they had to close the play area for complete sanitizing for the rest of the day.

And for daddy, who is away on business and hasn’t seen Sabrina sign “more” yet.

Yesterday at lunch:

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And to prove it wasn’t a fluke – today at breakfast:

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posted under humor | 19 Comments »

Memo Monday

August20

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To the gaggle of 17 yr olds hanging out at Sonic Saturday night and looking at me like I was old beyond comprehension:

I was shocked and horrified to see the girl run in front of my car wearing the exact same outfit I wore in the 80’s. Honey, trust me, you will be so embarrassed when photos of yourself in the oversized t-shirt/dress, with the really big belt and the ankle boots (where do you find suede ankle boots without a time machine to take you back to the making of any 80’s Pat Benetar video?) surface later in your life. Admittedly, you don’t have the really big hair and really black eye liner to cringe over but I promise the belt and the boots will be cringe-worthy enough.

And someday? You will be the “old” woman driving around in a sedan with an empty car seat picking up a late night treat for your hubby. You will chuckle at some girl wearing exactly what you wore 20 years ago. You will feel very old for a moment and then you will simply be amused because you are happy with your life. But it will remind you to go home and hide those photos from the 80’s a little deeper so your daughter doesn’t find them easily. And a small piece of you might say “I like totally looked bitchin’ in that outfit dude.”

posted under humor | 10 Comments »

Top 10 things that might drive this SAHM insane

August10
  1. The soundtrack of mommy-hood. I always have some song rattling around in my head. It used to be AC/DC, James Taylor, or something else I heard on the radio. Now? The soundtrack of my days is a catchy little tune from Sabrina’s favorite toy of the day. Sung to the tune of Row Row Row Your Boat “Stir, stir, stir the soup…sing along with me…we can learn the alphabet, right from A to Z.” (Sound familiar Jenny? I know you have the same table in your living room.) Or in Winnie-the-Pooh’s voice “Rolling along, on our way, let’s learn together while we play…” (Sound familiar Amy?) Don’t get me wrong, we’ve worked hard to have the least annoying toys in our home – I don’t dislike any of them. I just can’t get them out of my freaking head!
  2. The whining. Oh. Dear. God. The. Whining. We have a beautiful daughter with an amazing disposition but some days? I want to poke sharp objects in my ears just to stop the whining. I start to wonder if she annoys herself sometimes because seriously – how could she not get tired of hearing it too?
  3. The same-ness of each day. Working in social work, the only thing that was predictable was that you couldn’t predict what would happen next. [Example – one morning, I had to return a stolen car to the dealership. That certainly wasn’t what I thought my day would look like when I got out of bed that morning. Again, Amy, sound familiar?] Sabrina thrives on routine. She isn’t rigid but our lives definitely go more smoothly when she can predict what will happen next. I don’t want her to bring home a stolen Camry but sometimes I want to do something a little different.
  4. The audience. Everywhere I go in the apartment, I have 2 faces staring up at me – the dog and Sabrina. I get something to drink – there they are. I start a load of laundry – there they are. I go to the bathroom – there they are. How many years until I get to pee by myself again? (They are 2 really cute faces…but…)
  5. Mommy Brain. I have always considered myself intelligent but lately I feel like I am shedding brain cells at an alarming rate. When Steve and I discuss something not related to Sabrina I find myself groping for the right words to convey my thoughts. I walk into rooms and have no memory of why I am there. I’ve joked about my neurotic list making but now they are a necessity. I say I want to make friends so I can talk about things other than poop and naps but I wonder if I still have the ability. Oh look, something shiny…
  6. Now that she is crawling, it is like having a small disapproving mother-in-law in the house. Every dog hair, scrap of paper, and crumb is discovered, picked up, and then handed to me. I have to vacuum every other day to come close to keeping up – and I should do it daily but I don’t.
  7. Dinner. I enjoy cooking most of the time. Now that I am staying at home, I feel like it is part of my job to cook dinner. This is totally something I put on myself – Steve doesn’t think that way (part of why I love him). But I hate coming up with ideas for dinner. I feel so uninspired – gee let’s have stuffed peppers again even though it is 99 degrees outside. I wish I was organized like Elle and made a weekly menu but I’ve come to terms with the fact that will never happen – just isn’t in my wiring. So Steve, don’t tell me you really like something unless you want to eat it weekly because I’m out of ideas.
  8. Being out of touch with the world. I don’t mean isolated in the sense of not seeing people whose butt I don’t have to wipe…I mean not knowing what is going on in the world. Is that little war still on in Iraq? Did I hear something about Lindsay being arrested again? When I worked, I always ate at my desk so I would read MSNBC or CNN during my lunch. I would listen to NPR on the way to and from work. I read Newsweek. Now? I don’t usually get a chance to read the news online. And I don’t want to watch the TV news while Sabrina is awake because she doesn’t need to see that ugliness (and I don’t want her to hear about the moron who is driving this bus *cough* W *cough*). By the night time news, I’m too tired to care what is going on outside of the fact that all is quiet in the nursery.
  9. Referring to myself in the third person. Why do we do this? It gave me a little thrill for awhile to refer to myself legitimately as mommy. Now I miss saying “I”, “me”, and “mine”. “Mommy will be right back.” “Mommy is right here.” “Don’t hit mommy.” “That is mommy’s flask, put it down.”
  10. Being ‘on’ all of the time. Sometimes I just want to sit quietly. I don’t want to expend the energy to make funny faces, talk in funny voices, clap at silly things, sing cute little songs, be a human jungle gym, cup my hand on a corner of the coffee table so no heads are bumped, or come up with a funny game to make anyone laugh. Don’t get me wrong, I love all of those things. I am thankful for each day that I get to spend at home with my daughter and wouldn’t trade it for the world. I would hate to sit in an office pretending a meeting was as important or as interesting as any of those things. But damn do I love nap time. Now where did Mommy’s flask go?
posted under humor | 29 Comments »
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