Michelle Smiles

Teaching my children to question authority, except mine.

Stranger Friends

October13

I wonder about this internet connection I have developed with so many women during the adoption process. When I speak of one off-line (and I do speak of them sometimes), I simply call her “my friend” to avoid that weird conversation you have with people who are not closely connected to people they’ve never met via message boards or blogs or email. Carla uses the term “stranger friend”. That works on some level. The person would be a stranger if you passed her on the street but is a friend in a very real sense.

Some of my net friends I feel rather close to. I am in contact with some more often than my real life friends. They “get” what I am going through in a way my real life friends never can. We share information about our lives, joy about our babies, frustration when things are slow, and grief when something goes wrong. I’ve even received and sent gifts to my net friends. We support each other through a process that might be otherwise almost unbearable. I honestly can’t imagine going through this without my net friends. Yet most of them I may never meet in person or even speak to by phone.

I am going to meet a couple of them when we visit our babies in December. I’m excited to make that connection in person since many of them have been an important part of my life for the past several months. Based on yesterday’s comments, I have to assume that many of you feel the same way about your stranger-friends. It sounds like many of us lean on each other to get through the rough days.

I wonder what happens after? After the adoptions are finished and the babies are home. Do groups stay in touch? Or does everyone get busy with the mom gig and fade away? Do these friendships sometimes transition successfully into real life friendships? Or are they best left to the forum in which they began?

BTW – I was a little sad no one noticed my clever use of John Cougar lyrics in yesterday’s title. *sniff sniff* I take that back, Steve started singing it after he read the post.

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Everyone just needs a hand to hold on to…

October12

When I started researching Guatemala, it wasn’t unusual for babies to be home at 4 months old.  Then 6 months was a rather long process and 8 months was a horror story.  Things have changed a lot in less than a year.  Four months is almost unheard of now.  Six months is the good side of average.  Eight months is no longer a horror story – just slightly longer than average.  We all try to prepare ourselves that 8 months may be our reality but none of us truly believes it when we start this process.
Thus far, we have been fortunate.  We’ve only gotten through one step (DNA) but we got it done quickly.  At 1 month and 1 day old, Sabrina had her DNA test completed.  I’m hoping we are equally lucky with Family court interviews and the rest but there is just no way to predict.  There are a good number of families out there who have been waiting for DNA or for family court interviews for months.  Others are stuck in the PGN black hole.  There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to who sails through and who gets stuck endlessly in one place.
There are a lot of places we seek support during adoption.  Friends and family try to be supportive but it is hard for them to understand what we are going through.  My blog, which started out as a fun way to document my process, has grown into a support system.  There are many of us adopting from different countries that stay in touch via the blog world.  I’ve learned about the process in Russia, Colombia (or Columbia if you prefer frat boys), and China while “meeting” some amazing women.  Aside from blog world, many of us also visit message boards or subscribe to list serves.

I visit the Guatemala board on Adoption.com every few days.  It has such a large membership that I find it hard to feel connected to anyone there.  It can be interesting because there is a wide range of experiences.  You hear wonderful stories and horror stories that make realize how important it is to research your agency before you sign that contract.  It’s also a place to find all sorts of information – although best to take most of it with a grain of salt.  I also subscribe to the yahoo Guatemala list serve.  These emails arrive all day, every day in my yahoo inbox.  I honestly find this forum too impersonal.  I come home to 50 e-mail in my box and delete the majority of them unread.  I was an information junkie when I started the process so I signed up for everything I could find.
My agency hosts a message board as well.  I find that I am only comfortable posting good news and asking general questions there.  As a result, I don’t find it a very useful forum when I need support.  I tend to write about my down days here or privately email friends.  And my good friend chocolate never lets me down.

Where do you find your support on the days you feel emotionally battered by this process?

Spoiled, spoiled, spoiled

October11

I have gotten 4 sets of photos in 2 days.  I know that I won’t get any for another month and that makes me sad.  I have gotten seriously spoiled this week!

Today, we received her October doctor update.  She was 6lb 1oz at referral and is now 6lb 14oz.  (Must have put it all in those cheeks and chins.)  Not an outfit we sent this time but still so happy to see photos.  Here is a little more of our beautiful girl!

Love her little mouth!

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Tired girl.  Guess the photo shoot wore her out!

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And finally I call this one “Girl Power”.

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Weird Dream

October11

I had the strangest dream last night. My dreams normally fade from memory very quickly but this one has lingered.  I woke up during the dream disoriented and trying to figure out if I had been dreaming or if it was real.  I went back to sleep and resumed the dream.  Very weird.
I dreamed that I came home from work one day and Steve had a Chinese toddler with him.  I was confused and asked him who the girl was.  He said she was Sinh-Li.  He asked if I remembered when we first started looking at adoption.  We filled out preliminary paperwork for China and then decided on Guatemala (in reality, we did not do this).  The paperwork stayed on file so China sent us Sinh-Li.  Even my dreaming brain didn’t think this made much sense but accepted it.  She was a beautiful child – 2 years old and fluent in English (that charming formal English that adults learn when English is a second language).  She was very loving and helpful.  I quickly fell in love with her and promised her that she had found her forever home.  I explained to her that she would have a baby sister coming home from Guatemala in a few months but that we had enough love for them both.
When my dreaming brain realized that we had another baby coming home, I began to panic.  I didn’t have a room set up for Sinh-Li or the baby.  I didn’t have any baby gear at all.  I realized that I was still worked and would have to quit now rather than later but that the lack of a paycheck would make it hard to furnish a baby room and a toddler room.  I started to hyperventilate.  Sinh-Li comforted me while my husband looked at me like I was a nut (can you blame him?).  Then I remembered that I only want 2 children so our family would be complete.  This was met with a mixture of relief and sadness.  Relief that I wouldn’t have to struggle through infertility treatments after the baby comes home and all of the hormones and grief that comes with them.  Sadness because I guess somewhere in my brain I hadn’t fully accepted that I would never be pregnant.  This is odd, because I think my fully awake self would be perfectly happy to adopt a second time if finances would allow it but Steve has always wanted to give the biological route another try.  I have agreed to try up to a certain point after we are settled in with Sabrina.
I have no idea where my brain dreamed up Sinh-Li.  We did look briefly at China (and many other countries) when we were researching.  I have a step-sister and cousin who are both pursuing their second adoption from China right now.  But the wait was stretching out so far in China and Guatemala had so many attractive aspects (foster care, visits, short pick up stay in country, etc) that it was no contest in my mind.  Anyway, very odd and I needed to write it down to get it out of my head.

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October foster visit

October10

Here are a couple of the photos I received today.

Sabrina’s first attempt at being a Barker Babe – showing off her first ziploc:

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I love the look on her face here. She is looking at her foster mom (who I cropped out for her privacy). And look at all of those chins! She is well fed!
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Plethora of good stuff

October10

In the DNA excitement yesterday, I didn’t mention that it was our anniversary. I have to say it was a very nice anniversary. No gifts were exchanged. No candlelit dinner in a romantic restaurant. No roses or champagne. But honestly? It was wonderful. We grilled some steaks, had a nice loaf of bread and a little cake. Then we booked tickets to Guatemala to visit our daughter.

Many of you have asked if and when we were planning to visit. I answered several of you individually but hadn’t addressed it here yet. I was afraid to book tickets until after the DNA was done. I’m not worried about the results – I was only worried that Sabrina’s birth mom would take one look at her and not be able to give her up. We agreed that once we got news DNA was done we would book tickets for our visit. On December 6th we are leaving on a jet plane! (Tonya – I think of you every time I use that phrase.) I was so nervous/excited when I was booking the tickets that I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

AND (yes, the good news just keeps on coming) I woke up this morning to not one but 2 sets of new photos! Our agency does a scheduled monthly foster home visit and an unannounced visit to the foster home about every 6 weeks. I was so excited! Three sets up of photos in 2 days! The only downside is that now I know there won’t be any new photos for awhile because they all came at once. The only thing I have to look forward to in the near future is the doctors visit update.

I’m posting this from work so I can’t include any new photos now. I’ll post them later this evening. (Quit your complaining…I can’t see them right now either!) And thank you all for the input regarding Sabrina’s middle name yesterday. It was much appreciated. (Conversation in 10 years: “Mommy, how did you and daddy choose my name?” “Well darling, it was done by blog committee.” Heh…that should buy me a couple of therapy sessions.)

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DNA

October9

I had a sinking feeling when I went to bed last night.  I told Steve I just knew something had gone wrong.  DNA was scheduled for Thursday and we hadn’t heard a word.  Our agency had sent out updates to a lot of people about family court and PGN yesterday but we had heard nothing.  I had visions of the birth mother changing her mind.  I had visions of the birth mother disappearing and not being found to do DNA (abandonment cases are a nightmare in Guatemala).  I couldn’t sleep and finally took a Tylenol PM at 1am.

This morning, I woke up to wonderful news.  DNA was done on Thursday.  We received photos of Sabrina with her birth mom and a short interview report.  We now have her birth grandparents names as well as her father’s name and her 2 aunts and 2 uncles names.  Sabrina’s birthmom is 18 and already has a 4 year old at home.  She wasn’t able to go to school and wants Sabrina to be educated and to have a better life than she can give her.  When asked if she wanted to leave a message for Sabrina she said “I am sorry to let you go but I must because I have a difficult life and can give you no future.   It is my prayer that you will have many opportunities and will go to school.   Be a happy girl.  I love you very much. “

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That is a photo of her birth mother giving her a kiss.  I have to say my reaction to all of this wasn’t as strong as I thought it would be.  Selfish relief that she hadn’t changed her mind was my primary emotion.  I got a little teary eyed at the photos and reading about the birthmother but I didn’t cry like I thought I would.  All I could think was how important this information and these photos would be to Sabrina as she grows up.  Priceless.

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I sent that little dress down for her before we got her referral. I was amazed at how much it meant to me to see her in something I picked out and sent down.  (Thanks Alleen for the delivery of that ziploc!)

One other piece of information that we found out:  her birth mother didn’t name her.  I assume that the attorney named her if the birth mother did not.  I had been thinking we would use her birth name as her middle name: Sabrina Elvia.  But if her birth mother didn’t choose that name, I am wondering if I should still honor it.  We had originally wanted to name her Sabrina Kelly (after my sister who passed away).  What are your thoughts?  I don’t know if it would still be as important to her if some stranger picked out the name but I’m not trying to severe all ties with her past.  I had considered Sabrina Elvia Kelly but it seems like such a mouthful.  Please give me your thoughts if you have any on the subject.

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Apparently Sabrina doesn’t like having her fingerprints taken!

Burn them all…

October8

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/15127464/

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Have you heard about this mother who wants to ban Harry Potter books from her town and school library?  Acording to her, Harry Potter books are an evil attempt to spread Wicca beliefs.  Huh.  And here I thought it was just good clean fun and a wonderful way for kids to discover reading and develop their imaginations without the aid of video games. 


I get angry when I hear about anyone wanting to ban books.  Why do many right wing conservatives think that the rest of us need them to tell us how to live?  

 

I’ve read them all and have enjoyed them.  Think of all the conversations you could have with your child if you both read the same book (oh the horror! Not conversation! Not encouraging exploration of different ideas and thought!)

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I heart…

October7

Since I don’t have adoption news to share, I thought I would share a few other random things. (Basically, this is called fluff and filler.)
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I went out and bought this

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the day after it was released. The Little Mermaid is my favorite Disney cartoon. I made Steve watch it last night. He said it wasn’t awful. I love the songs and I love love love the crazy French chef.

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I’ve never been a department store kind of girl. They are all essentially equal in my mind. But when I moved here and started working downtown, I came to love Kaufmann’s department store downtown. The one in the mall did nothing for me…but the one downtown was different. First, it was a 12 story department store from days gone by. The kind women used to dress up to go shopping in and have lunch in while shopping. Fifth floor women’s sportswear, juniors casual, and infant and toddler clothing. It was a cool experience to go – you don’t see many big stand alone store like that anymore. Second, they had the BEST freaking sales. That is really what won me over. They always had the best sale racks. I bought myself a Ralph Lauren blazer that was originally $325 for $60 off the sale rack. I bought Deanna’s daughter a big bag full of adorable dresses for $40. The clearance racks would be 50% and then an additional 60% or 75% off the sale price – loved that! Great way to spend a lunch hour.

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Now? Macy’s bought them. Macy’s sucks. They don’t have clearance racks. And overall, the quality is lower than Kaufmann’s was. So, after over 100 years in our fair city, Kaufmann’s is no more. Makes me sad.

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On vacation this year, Steve discovered a new obsession. The video game Guitar Hero. I bought him a used PS2 and the game on Ebay for our anniversary because he loved it so much. Guitar Hero II comes out on November 7th and he is eagerly anticipating it (already has a reserved copy). I’m not a video game player. I liked the old classics (pac-man, frogger, etc) but the new ones with 2 joysticks and 4 triggers and 57 buttons are too much for me. But even I have to admit that Guitar Hero, with the guitar controllers, is kind of cool. I don’t play it often but it is kind of fun and the new version has come cool classic rock on it.

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Most people who know me will admit that I am not a girlie girl. I spend very little time or thought on hair or make-up. But I have one old stand-by and one new product that I love. I love Bumble & Bumble Thickening Spray. Not many salons here carry it so I have to order it off the net but it’s worth the shipping charge. I’ve been using it for almost 10 years – good stuff.
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The new thing I found is a line of make up. I’ve seen it advertised on TV but it was more expensive than what I was using and I wasn’t sure I believed that powder based makeups were really all that great. We got a new girlie store here that sells nothing but stuff to make you pretty (but not my B&B spray which is why I went there in the first place). They had a woman doing demos so I gave Bare Escentuals a try. No, it’s not a wonder product. And no, I don’t think the coverage is as good as a liquid foundation. But, it looks good and feels good – especially in the summer. I hate wearing make up when it is hot so this is a great alternative if you live in a warm climate – feels like you aren’t wearing anything at all and looks quite natural. (Damn, I should be getting paid for these endorsements!)

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No news yet

October6

No news on whether the DNA test took place yesterday. It sometimes takes a couple of days for our agency to get the information and the pictures from the test to us. Once person did receive the good news yesterday that her DNA and family court interviews were both completed – but she has had a longer road than many to get to that point so the agency may have notified her more quickly to ease her mind.

I feel safe in saying that the worst case scenario didn’t happen. Worst case (selfishly for us) being that the birth mother came, took one look at the baby, and said she was taking her back. If that had happened, I am sure I would have heard from my agency yesterday. So either the test was completed and I’ll hear that happy news soon or the birth mother wasn’t able to make it to the appointment and nothing happened.

**For those not involved in Guatemalan adoption, the US Embassy requires DNA testing of the baby and the birth mother to ensure that the person relinquishing is the mother and therefore has the right to relinquish the child.

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