I kept topics light this weekend on my blog. I didn’t want to talk about how my weekend was really going. I figured I’ve whined enough already. I’ve only been working on this adoption for just over 5 months. Who am I to complain that this isn’t happening fast enough to suit me? I am blessed in so many ways, what am I whining about?

But this blog is, for me, about sharing the real experience of adoption with friends and family and strangers looking for information. You want to know the truth? The truth is that I am a mess. I’m not a mess because we don’t have a referral yet. That makes me sad but I’m okay with that for now. My emotional meltdown has to do with the fact that I’m starting to believe we may not get a referral until the new year. After 6 weeks on the waiting list, I think we are back to where we started when we initially went on the list. It has been 3 weeks since there were any girl referrals and in that time we’ve fallen further and further down the list. Tumbled would be a more accurate word. We’ve tumbled down the list.

In the grand scheme of my life, another 3 months until we have a child isn’t that big of a deal (of course this is simply the referral we are talking about – we then have about 6 months of Guatemalan process to wait though). But we chose Guatemala because of the relatively fast process (one of many reasons). You put your dossier together and then you get a referral. We chose our agency because they were good and they advertised no waiting list. No one ever told us that we would be continually bumped to the bottom of the list because the agency believes that childless couples should take what they get (i.e. not choose a gender). This infertility shit doesn’t come with many perks. But one of the few is if you choose to adopt, you can choose to adopt a girl if you wish.

So, my weekend? I cried on and off all weekend. I lost the ability to turn my head on Saturday due to a huge knot in my neck/shoulder. (Still haven’t completely regained it – made the drive into work exhilarating since I couldn’t really check my blind spot when changing lanes.) I had an anxiety attack on Sunday. I’ve only had an anxiety attack twice in my life – once I was in the middle of the ocean and perceived myself to be in danger, the second time I had a gun pointed at my head. Both times the fight or flight response seemed pretty rational. But none of this seems rational and I am feeling out of control. I hate being out of control.

I have no idea why all of a sudden this has crept up on me. Nothing has changed except my realization that as my agency accepts new clients and the waiting list continues to grow there will always be someone higher on the priority ladder. There will always be someone ahead of us. If I could envision a scenario where we reach the top of the list and get a referral in a reasonable length of time, I would bitch about the list but probably be okay emotionally. But I feel like I am hanging on by a very thin thread right now. I am powerless to change the situation and losing hope fast. I am angry that I feel this way. I am an incredibly strong woman. Why am I crumbling?

We had a long talk this weekend about switching agencies and using one whose waiting list goes sequentially in a straight forward manner. But the bottom line is we can’t afford to lose the $6000 we’ve already paid our agency. So, I guess we wait. And I try to get a grip. Thanks to my snarky girls who reassured me that I wasn’t completely insane this weekend.