Sig has kindly agreed to be a Ziploc mule for me. I sent her a box last Thursday with Ziplocs and some goodies for her little Abby. The woman at the post office said “Would you like to send it priority post, so it will arrive in 2-3 days, for an extra $2.00?” I was thinking it probably wasn’t necessary because Sig wasn’t leaving for over a week but decided it was $2.00 well spent. I chatted with the clerk. Showed off photos of Sabrina. Then off I send the box priority post. I checked with Sig on Tuesday. No box. I checked with her on Wednesday. No box. I checked with her on Thursday. No box (sensing my theme here?).

So this morning, before I had coffee (perhaps this was a mistake), I trotted down to the post office with my little slip (I insured the package so I got a little slip).

Me in a nice, friendly, calm voice: I sent this package last Thursday. I paid extra for priority. I was told it would be there in 2-3 days and it still has not arrived.

Post office Employee: I’m sorry ma’am. Priority isn’t a guarantee. It means we try to get it there in 2 days but it doesn’t always work out.

Me still calm but less friendly: I insured the package and was given this slip with a tracking number. Can you perhaps tell me when and if this package will be delivered? It’s time sensitive.

Post office Bitch: That’s not a tracking number. I have no way to tracking the package. Time sensitive? Do you mean perishable? Because we ask you if it is perishable and it is a federal offense to lie about that.

Me reminding myself it isn’t her fault the package hasn’t arrived: No, I don’t mean perishable. I mean it needs to be there already. If it’s not a tracking number, then what is it?

Post Office Bitch: Ma’am you have to wait 21 days before you can claim a package is lost. It takes awhile for things to get where they are going.

Me through clenched teeth: I don’t want to make a claim. I want it to get to where it is going. Basically, there is no way you can tell me if my package will arrive soon or if it fell off the truck into the Schullkill River?

Post Office Bitch: No ma’am. We don’t even have internet access in this office. I don’t know what to tell you.

Me having sudden insight into the phrase “go postal”: So when you encourage us to pay extra for ‘priority’ it isn’t a guarantee of anything except that you’ll try a little harder?

Post Office Bitch: If you want a guaranteed delivery date you have to pay more for another service. It’s always a good idea to do this if it needs to be there by a certain time.

Me trying to recall if a federal offense such as assaulting a federal employee would allow me to have a jury trial because surely the jury would understand I was justified: You are the one who took my package last week, looked at the photos of the baby I am adopting, and told me it would get there with no problem in plenty of time. You never mentioned the need for another service. Thanks for all of your help.

Post Office Bitch: Have a nice day.

Me under my breath: Bite me. I should have used Fed Ex.

A catastrophe? Nope, not even close. But it makes me sad that all of the little 0-3 month outfits I bought won’t make it down in time for the foster mother to use them if the box doesn’t get to Sig on time. And little Abby won’t get her presents on time either.