Michelle Smiles

Teaching my children to question authority, except mine.

The Rest of the Story

December13

I feel like Paul Harvey with The Rest Of The Story.

One thing that made our trip even more special was meeting some of my online friends in person. Sig, Vicki, and Angie were even more wonderful in person than on line. We had a great time having meals together and chatting. And it was great to meet Priscilla in person even if we didn’t get to hang out in Guatemala together. This process has brought some amazing people into my life and I was happy to find they are even better in person.

I mentioned yesterday that I remember the moment that I fell in love with our daughter. Steve also knows the moment it happened for him. He got up with her that first morning around 5:30. He changed her diaper and gave her a bottle then walked her around the hall and the family room a bit to help her go back to sleep. He started telling her that daddy would always protect her and love her and take care of her. He came back to the room with tears on his face. He told me that he had just fallen in love with our daughter…which of course made me cry. Then he made Sig and Vicki cry when he repeated it that night.

We had so much fun learning about Sabrina as we spent time with her:

She always smiles after she sneezes.

She loves to “talk” back to us when we chatter to her.

For some reason, the orange giraffe on her bouncy seat cracks her up. The blue one is just okay.

She must always be in motion. No, you can not sit down and rock her, you slacker. You must be on your feet and walking while you bounce her.

She hates tummy time and will scream until it is over (unless she tries to cheat and falls asleep during it).

Baby poop resembles Stouffer’s Spinach Soufflé to such a disturbing degree that I may never eat it again.

She smiles with her whole face.

She is a total daddy’s girl already and wrapped daddy around her little finger in about 3.6 seconds.

She gets nervous during bath time if she thinks you might get water on her face.

She loves having her diaper changed.

She loves being in her sling.

When not in the sling, she prefers to be carried facing out and sitting up so she can see the world.

She didn’t mind too much when daddy would wake her up for his own entertainment. Except one night when we were having dinner with Angie and her husband, Steve. They were joking that they had never seen Sabrina awake so my Steve decided to get her up. She was so tired that she couldn’t even protest without falling asleep. We were all cracking up at her. Here is a video of some of it:

I was incredibly emotional the entire week. I cried with Sig when she had to give Abby back. I cried the morning of our last full day because I knew Monday was approaching. I cried when I talked with a woman at the breakfast buffet who had exited PGN in 2 ½ weeks and was there picking up her baby. Sunday night, I broke down into tears several times as I started to pack her things. Monday morning, I managed to hang onto my composure until breakfast was over. We waited in our room for 20 minutes before we got the call to bring her down. That was the longest and shortest 20 minutes in my life. I could barely speak on the phone. We took her downstairs and saw her foster mom. Her foster mom was so happy to see Sabrina – she started crying. Sabrina was thankfully oblivious to all of the tears around her. I was sobbing and trying to walk away but our agency rep insisted on a photo – quite the Kodak moment. They might as well have asked me to cut my beating heart out of my chest and hand it over – a dramatic picture but it felt that way at the time.

Steve and I escaped a short way down the hall and then stopped and cried together. We went back up to the room and Steve watched out the window for them to leave. He cried again as they drove away as I sobbed in the bathroom. When I came out, he said he had something for me. He bought me a gift to give to me after we had to give her back. I opened it and found a jade necklace from the gift shop. He said it was so I could take a little piece of Guatemala and Sabrina home with me.

We finished packing our things and then went down to wait for the shuttle. The return trip wasn’t remarkable in any way. I felt emotionally drained. I cried when we finally left Guatemalan soil, knowing my daughter was being left behind. The first morning back at home, I felt so empty when I woke up and there was no crib or cooing at the bottom of the bed.

The thing that I didn’t realize was how quickly I would become her mom and how quickly it would feel completely natural to be thinking of her, holding her, changing her, and the rest 24/7. I was only a mom (in actions) for 5 days but I suddenly don’t know how not to be one. My heart aches because something vital is missing in my life. I am restless because I should be caring for our daughter. Everything inside of me is different now but I came home to the exact same life I left 6 days ago. I actually feel rather disconnected from my life right now because it is so out of sync with my internal reality.

Another video of her smiling and talking to me.

Knowing how painful it is to leave, would I visit again? You bet your ass.

posted under Uncategorized

Email will not be published

Website example

Your Comment: