Michelle Smiles

Teaching my children to question authority, except mine.

Failure

November2

I cried last night.  Tessa had her first bottle of formula and I cried.  I cried because I felt like a failure.  I cried because the under lying feeling of relief made me feel guilty.

I’m not done nursing but apparently I am going to have to suppliment with formula because supply isn’t meeting demand.  Yes, I’m fortunate to have nursed exclusively for 3 months with little trouble.  Yes, I am fortunate that she tolerated the formula.  Yes, it means a little more freedom to let Steve take some night feedings.  Yes, Sabrina was exclusively formula fed and is incredibly happy and healthy.  No, I don’t think there is anything wrong with formula.  No, I’m not in love with nursing – I do it because it is best for her.  But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel like i failed Tessa last night.  And it doesn’t change the fact that I worry she has gone hungry when I thought she was just fussy.  Nor does it change the fact that I feel a sense of loss.

If I read this post on another blog, I would immediately assure the mom that there was no shame in supplimenting and that she had done great nursing exclusively for 3 months.  And I would believe those things.  But I guess I hold myself to a different standard because it doesn’t feel okay.

She doesn’t look any worse for it.

And Sabrina made me laugh.  She wanted “Nina hat meow” when we went out for breakfast and to run some errands. Yesterday’s ensemble:

posted under parenting
26 Comments to

“Failure”

  1. On November 2nd, 2008 at 8:06 am mama k Says:

    (((hugs)))
    We all hold ourself to standards we can’t meet sometimes. Mommy guilt is the worst! Take it easy on yourself.

    If you want to try increasing your supply there are lots of things to try. (Who knows you may have already tried them all.) The kellymom.com site has lots of good info. Feel free to email me anytime. 🙂

  2. On November 2nd, 2008 at 8:12 am TNKerry Says:

    Oh Michelle!!! I am so sorry. I truly know and understand your guilty feelings. My oldest was born early and stayed in NICU for a while never allowing my milk supply to come in well. I didn’t really realize this because he had wet and dirty diapers and was gaining weight, etc. I talked to lactation consultants regularly and they added to my guilt that I wasn’t doing something right so I kept on nursing. My son cried from the moment he woke up until the moment he went to sleep for 15 weeks. It was awful. Finally I decided to supplement. I thought it would be one bottle a day, but he sucked that bottle down so quickly I began to realize he was hungry. After a week he was fully bottle-fed and could not have been more happy. I , on the other hand, was sad and guilt-ridden. What we ended up realizing was that although he was getting milk he was not getting enough to satisfy him. That may end up happening to you and I just want you to know there is nothing you can do and Tessa will be fine. 3 months is great!!!
    Also – to let you know- I decided with my youngest son that I would go for two weeks and then reevaluate. If I saw any sign that he was not getting enough I would stop. We ended up with the oppsoite problem. We could not get him to take a bottle. It took six months for him to finally take one (which was needed because I was in my brother’s wedding). I ended up nursing him easily for 9 months. There are so many things that can affect each child differently and you just have to do what is best for that situation. The guilt will inevitably be there – because you are a mom – but eventually it diminishes and you will see the situation from a more positive perspective. 🙂

  3. On November 2nd, 2008 at 8:30 am Vanessa Says:

    Don’t feel guilty because these things to happen to the best and most caring of us. I know I felt so guilty when this happened to me. I did call the doc and he gave me a script to increase my milk supply and it worked. I hope things get better for you guys!

  4. On November 2nd, 2008 at 8:39 am Type (little) a Says:

    Oh Michelle, I know. I nursed Sabrina until her first birthday and I felt selfish weaning. I felt selfish when I gave her a bottle at night after she didn’t fall asleep on the boob. I felt selfish for 9009 different reasons.

    And you already know that you’re doing fine. And so is Tessa, but this is not place for logic.

    So instead, hugs.

    Also, I think it’s awesome that Sabrina Bee calls herself “Nina”. Mine called herself “Ducky” (shit, i wonder why???). Later, when we made a concerted effort to call her Sabrina so she’d know her name, she said “Swee-Ba” I loved it. 🙂

  5. On November 2nd, 2008 at 9:52 am Kim Says:

    So Sorry. I remember that feeling well. I had to supplement when I went back to work. I was able to keep nursing until 7 1/2 months, but even then I really struggled with stopping. It’s silly because I passed what I had planned on doing, but all the same it’s always hard. Congrats on making it a full 3 months without a bottle. Enjoy the time that you do nurse. Hopefully you’ll be able to increase your milk supply if you want to.

  6. On November 2nd, 2008 at 10:29 am Amy Says:

    First and foremost, you are a wonderful mom and you are doing excellent.

    My supply began to decrease after I had Emily because she wasn’t nursing due to being in the NICU and I was exclusively pumping. They put me on a medication called Reglan. Reglan is prescribed for general stomach upset, nausea, reflux, etc. but one of the magnificent side effects is that it increases milk production in nursing women. I was on the medication for three days and had more milk than I knew what to do. I was on the medication for two weeks and my milk stayed adequate and consistent after that until I decided to stop. That’s an option.

    Another option is to recognize what all of your fans here in blog world and real world friends already know, you are a wonderful, caring, loving, responsible mom and there is nothing wrong with supplementing or bottle feeding only for that matter. Look at it this way, now Steve can do some of the night feedings, allowing you to get more rest and be less tired and have more energy to dote on Tessa.

    Unfortunately, this does mean that your nomination for mother of the year has to be disqualified and Freud is rolling over in his grave. Wait a minute yet another plus to bottle feeding. Suck it Freud.

    Love you ~ Amy

  7. On November 2nd, 2008 at 10:44 am Steph Says:

    I won’t be able to tell you anything to make you feel better. Having nursing issues can make you feel like the shittiest. mother. ever. I couldn’t ever get my bio kids to get the supply up. I think my boobs are effed up. I hired lactation consultants – I pumped – I milked myself like a freaking dairy cow. But my kids were starving and I had no choice but to supplement with formula – which slippery sloped into just formula.

    And I think the cow’s milk protein in the formula might have contributed to my son’s autistic issues. So I couldn’t nurse the child adequately AND that boob/woman/mother/nature failure *may* have poisoned my child. Insult, meet injury.

    (Tessa will be FINE on formula – I don’t want you to think I think it will cause her issues. I don’t know for sure that was the issue with my kid – but it’s just a suspicion on my part. And Mimi was on formula exclusively too like Sabrina – hell she was on powdered whole milk for 6 months before I got her – and she’s fine. I think they gave her solid food at like 3 months also – she ate salsa on our 4 month old visit trip and clearly knew what it was)

    Okay so I’m rambling. But I know you’re sad. It sucks. It does. (((((HUGS)))))))

  8. On November 2nd, 2008 at 10:51 am Samantha Says:

    i am emailing you an idea. 🙂

  9. On November 2nd, 2008 at 11:10 am Tricia Says:

    Michelle, thanks for being vulnerable & honest with us. I think every last one of us has dealt with Mommy guilt and it is awful.

    I breastfed Victoria for 10 months and I felt selfish and guilty when it was over…but also partially relieved….which made me feel even more guilty.

    Just sending you love & support. You are a hell of a mom, my friend.

  10. On November 2nd, 2008 at 11:58 am Zoot Says:

    Hang in there! Seriously. I’m supplementing AndyZ and it kills me like it does you. But, do you want to know what helped me a lot? Taking bottles to family to let THEM feed him. Letting my son and even my daughter feed him sometimes. The look on all of their faces, they were so PROUD to be able to help. Seeing that periodically makes me feel better because what I’m missing out on? They are gaining. Maybe that will help you too?

    Maybe it won’t – we’re all different – but just wanted to share what got me through that same situation.

  11. On November 2nd, 2008 at 12:13 pm Bobbi Says:

    OK, no hate mail from anyone, please. BUT, she is what, three months. It may be that she needs food. Cereal, etc. I know that they say they need to wait until 4-6 months, but neither of my kids did. Just a suggestion. I have never been one to follow the guidelines, I followed my kids. Sounds like little chunk-munk might need that.

    OH, and ask Joe about what happened when I gave the girls bottles……..not pretty. BUT, I totally discovered bottle feeding with Reese and saw all the benefits. But, nursing is a weird feeling. So, I know where you are coming from.

  12. On November 2nd, 2008 at 12:24 pm Pocklock Says:

    Please don’t feel like a failure. You have done your little miracle baby well to have made it three months. Three months is my new goal and I may not even make it that long.

    And then I’ll need you to tell me I’m not a failure.

    The blogosphere is here. Hang in there.

  13. On November 2nd, 2008 at 12:34 pm Becky Says:

    Wish there were words to help you feel better about the situation. Its so hard when we are hardest on ourselves. The girls sure are cute.

  14. On November 2nd, 2008 at 1:47 pm nora Says:

    I was just thinking to myself (sometime around 2am when I was washing out a bottle) that you are such a rockstar for making it this far nursing Tessa, with Sabrina not out of diapers. I certainly didn’t (for 12 reasons). Don’t feel guilty – know that you gave it a good shot and take care of yourself. You deserve it.

  15. On November 2nd, 2008 at 7:06 pm Melissa Says:

    My kiddos have been asking to wear their costumes too since Halloween. I can only emphathise since I have never done the nursing thing. I guess for some, it is a hard thing to let go of. Hope it gets easier for ya

  16. On November 2nd, 2008 at 7:10 pm Melissa Says:

    Mommy guilt…isn’t it the greatest?

  17. On November 2nd, 2008 at 7:30 pm Megan Says:

    Before I gave birth to my Charlotte, I could not wait to BF. Shoot before Lily came home I looked into Adoptive BF. Lil came home a little too late for that though. So that just made my drive to BF Charlotte even greater.

    Now once Charlotte was born, that is where were the slow descent into overwhelming disappointment began. BFing with my body type apparently wasn’t going to be easy, then add a heaping spoon of C-section incision infection, a 22 month old, no sleep and a dash of PPD. I think Charlotte ended up getting a whooping spoonful of breast milk!

    My hat is off to you. Looking back there is no way I could have made it 3 months even if I didn’t have all those obstacles. You are right it sucks, I cried, I was ashamed. But in the end Charlotte thrived, and that is all that matters. Other posters are sooo right though.. Mommy guilt really does suck just think this is just the beginning! 😉

  18. On November 2nd, 2008 at 9:21 pm Priscilla Says:

    Oh snap. I’d feel bad if it were me, too, but I would never ever want you to! I have nothing to say to make it better, except maybe in a few days it won’t seem as guilt-inducing? Keeping fingers crossed.

    I did look into that whole adoptive breastfeeding thing, and took the Reglan, and it worked! My childless boobs threw off a little milk. Of course, Traci f*cked with me, and I didn’t get to try it.

    Such is life. Glad it all worked out the way it did because I love my M! AND – Formula sure was easy. 🙂

  19. On November 3rd, 2008 at 12:23 am Cheri Says:

    Mommie guilt is the worst! It strikes no matter what we do or refrain from doing. And knowing about it doesn’t make it go away. UGH! I’m sorry the mommy guilt is eating at you. Because you ARE a fab mom. Even when you don’t feel like one. — Hugs, Cheri

  20. On November 3rd, 2008 at 7:56 am carla Says:

    hi.

    thats it.

    all Im gonna say as I know that beneath it all you know it’s ok and yer just wiped.
    and Ive been there with the E didnt suckle from my tatas—I SUCK feeling as well.

  21. On November 3rd, 2008 at 8:21 am Ashley J Says:

    Hang in there, friend. I have been there… and watched my sis-in-law go through exaclty what you describe. I can tell you that on the other side. It TOTALLY changed my nephew and they were thrilled with the new HAPPY baby they found after they tearfully gave in and started formula.

    Kind-of like you said. Our daughters never knew breast milk and are perfectly healthy, bonded, etc. It makes me think again about the 3 years of stress I put on myself and body feeding my 3 boys. (HELLO TRIBAL WOMAN BOOBS) If I had it to do again, I would definatly give more bottles!

  22. On November 3rd, 2008 at 8:25 am Alleen Says:

    Well, since I have no experience to offer in the breastfeeding arena, I’ll just offer a cyber hug.

    Sabrina sure is cute in her oh-so-stylish ensemble.

  23. On November 3rd, 2008 at 9:55 am Shannon Says:

    My boobs are just decorative!! They don’t do much of anything!! LOL 3 months nursing sounds pretty awesome to me. Women are just hard on themselves. I think Tessa looks and sounds healthy as a horse. Don’t stress too much. You are a terrific momma. 🙂

  24. On November 3rd, 2008 at 12:32 pm kelly Says:

    Mommy guilt sucks. And I’ll tell you, probably even moms who bf’d for 12, 15, 18, 24 mos, whatever, probably STILL had mommy guilt about something else.

    And, I never bf Madison. Not even one lousy day. Not one! And oh, the guilt I had…about that and a million other things. But she is the healthiest kid I have ever seen. Last year, she missed ONE day of school and that was to go to Guatoberfest.

    So now, I’ve moved on to feeling guilty about keeping my kid out of school for one day last year and ruining her chance to win a bike! It never ends!

    Hugs to you. And cry if you need to. Sometimes the tears are exactly what the ole body and brain need.

  25. On November 3rd, 2008 at 7:25 pm cass Says:

    You’ve gotten a lot of love in these comments and I’m so glad because I was prepared to go and beat up anyone that wasn’t nice.

  26. On November 4th, 2008 at 10:07 pm Mera Says:

    Michelle,
    Ohhhhh girl, totally been there. When I had to give Hunter a bottle in the first week to supplement because my milk took so darn long to come in, I felt weak, stressed out and defeated. Then I felt guilty because I wanted to quit so many times in the first six weeks after it did come in. Then everything was fine and now it seems Hunter seems hungry too. He woke up every two hours last night and the night before. Nursing is stressful and kind of lonesome. I love our bonding time but I cannot leave him with anyone yet since he is nursing only.
    I second another reader’s comment that said the best part of bottles is letting your little ones feed them. The couple of times in the first weeks that Gabby fed him, her face just LIT UP!!! She was so excited to be able to feed her baby brother she didn’t know what to do with herself. And man, he loved those darn bottles, he just gulped them down and was so happy. Sometimes I think he gets annoyed that he doesn’t get them anymore 🙂
    But Mommy guilt is just hard anyway. There is no parenting handbook, sometimes I wish there was but Tessa is so sweet. Knowing your baby is full and actually seeing how much she got is a wonderful feeling! But I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there girl, I’m right there with you literally. We are in parallel worlds. Having two this close is hard and I totally feel your pain about the zoo. Sometimes when I make it back to the car, I’m so exhausted after loading the bag, stroller, both kids and myself in the car when usually one or both is screaming, hungry, etc I think now why is it I chose to leave the house?