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Diary of my 11 year old self

March 27th, 2009

dsc09299My diary from 1984 spans most of my 11th year (6th grade).  I turned 12 and started junior high that fall.  I wrote fewer than 3 dozen entries – several of them being nothing more than declarations of hatred for my mom or my sister (sorry guys) or love for who ever captured my hormones imagination that day.  I hadn’t yet discovered my wild side.  As a matter of fact, this first entry mentions just having finished a Nancy Drew book (loved her!).

I find the entries difficult to read because I can feel myself editing even in what was supposed to be a private space.  I never wrote about my inner thoughts – I mostly prattled on about how boring school was or how cute some boy was.  I make only 1 passing mention to my sister who had died 3 months prior to the beginning of this book.  I make no mention of the turbulent weekends spent at my dad’s house where things were falling apart since Kelly’s death.  I make no mention of the story I worked on for months to enter into a writing competition at my teacher’s urging.  I don’t discuss a whole host of things that I remember from that year.  I read the words and can feel my 11 year old self making sure the words inside couldn’t be used against me.  (By whom? Who knows?  Eleven years are sure they are the center of the world and that world is out to get them.)  And that makes me sad.

dsc09300I even apologize in this entry about my diary being boring. I blocked out the names – no one else needs to suffer the embarrassment of my sharing this silly diary.  There is a well documented crush in my diary.  I remember loving this boy as only an 11 year old girl can.  He never liked me in return but that didn’t stop the crush.  I remember lying in bed listening to Lionel Richie “Hello” on my clock radio and crying over this boy.  I can’t believe I admitted that to the whole internet.  *Awkward!*

About halfway through the year, I declared utter contempt for my former love and moved on to coveting older, even less attainable boys.  Boys who would likely have been hard pressed to know my name.

dsc09301Then junior high started.  I got a jam box (goodbye clock radio!) for my birthday – I was cool.  There was also an entry about my first pair of non-snow boots.  I will forever remember those stupid boots.  They were slouchy, ankle high black suede – as were all cool boots in 1984.  My mom tried to talk me out of them because suede doesn’t do well with snow or rain but I wasn’t to be detered. (Mom if it makes you feel any better, I learned my lesson and have never purchased suede boots again.)

dsc09302With junior high came dances and a crush on a boy who liked me back.  We went together (today’s equivalent of “hanging out”) for a few months.  That basically meant we largely ignored one another in public but spent hours on the phone each night.

dsc09304In addition to dances, junior high started the boy/girl parties featuring the old favorites: spin the bottle, 7 minutes in heaven, and anything else that encouraged kissing.

Reading it reminds me how awkward that age was.  I choose to remember the good so my brain often glosses over the rest.  I had a pretty average existence in school.  There were a few kids everyone gravitated toward, a few everyone shunned, and then everyone else.  I was part of everyone else.  I had friends.  We had fun.  But even with that, I can feel the awkward oozing from the pages.  Now do me a favor and don’t tell my mom I kissed a boy!

This entry was posted on Friday, March 27th, 2009 at 11:51 am and is filed under Misc.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

8 Responses to “Diary of my 11 year old self”

  1. Tracey Says:

    I’ve kept a diary since I was 12 and I love looking back over those.

  2. Julie P Says:

    Ohh that age is rough I would never in a million years ask to repat that stage in my life and I often hope and pray that it won’t be as awful for Ally as it was for me. I can feel your 11 year old angst. FWIW I thnk you’re brave to even read the stuff let alone post about it. My stuff from that period in my life I keep in a box and pretent its not really there. I can’t bear to throw it away but I can’t bear to look at it even more.

    Did you know that Becky teaches 7th grade math? So she deals with the middle school psyche on a regular basis, or at least she will when she goes back to work in September.

  3. Bobbi Says:

    Your time capsule, and trip down memory lane is fun!! I never kept a diary.

    I had no idea you had lost a sister. But, I have a feeling you were writing about other stuff because you didn’t want to think of the other.

    Your sister is going to HATE you!!!

  4. Ale Says:

    I have loved these last posts!!

  5. Heather Says:

    Thanks for sharing!!! I wonder what my diary would’ve said from back then. I can tell now that I’m a year older than you (born in 1971), so reading this post was a walk down memory lane.

  6. Melany Says:

    I’m glad you’re having fun reading it… I have read old journals I kept and they make me crazy, so much so that I threw them away to never resurface again (I hope). It is pretty funny the things we placed importance on at that age. You and I are exactly the same age – and I also lost a sibling (a brother) that year too. I have very strange memories of who said what or didn’t say anything. I have a feeling I would have also focused on my boots or the school dance in my diary…

  7. Stephanie Says:

    I kept a diary during the tumultuous junior high years too and sometimes I contemplate throwing it away. It’s rather agonizing to read (as you so aptly described). I agree with Julie P. I would never in a million years want to go back and be 12 again.

    That said, I hold on to those words because I think it helps me remember how crazy those days were, how strong my feelings were, how much “petty” things mattered to me. Someday I might need to pull those pages out when my daughters are entering the tween/teen years so that I can be reminded of what those days were like…

  8. carla Says:

    oh how I love this post.

    I have mine here with me (rescued from potential tossage at the parents domicile) and have referenced it a bunch recently when writing tween fiction.
    amazing how the stuff changes (woo hoo JAM BOX!) but the feelings not so much.

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