Steve was out of town for 4 days including the weekend. 18 months ago? That would have been a disaster for me. By day 3, I would have been overwhelmed and cranky. But now? We had fun. It wasn’t a big deal. We missed daddy but had a grand time having a girls’ weekend. As the girls get older, I like them so much more and find them so much easier to be with.
Don’t get me wrong. I LOVED all of the baby stages. And most of the toddler stages (except age 3…age 3 can just be wiped straight from my memory). I miss baby snuggles and that period of rapid milestones when they are learning and conquering new things in the world every single day. And the clothes. Oh so sweet. But I am hoping I don’t turn into that woman. You know the one. The one who stands behind you in line at Target while you are plotting in your head which closet to lock your children (or yourself) in when you get home. She then gives you that sad, nostaglic look and says “Enjoy it…it goes so fast”. You want nothing more than to turn around and bitch slap her. Because yes, you know in your head it goes fast and you will miss it someday but at that exact moment what you need is someone to hand you a shot of tequila and tell you that you (and your children) will survive this time when things just feel so. damn. hard. You need to know that everyone has days like this…not that some older woman, who clearly has an early form of dementia, has shined up her memories with that rosy colored glasses cloth and forgets that while she was living it, it was damn hard some days.
So while I miss the baby stages and think back to them nostalgically, I’m not so far from them that I don’t recall how hard they were too. I’m lucky to have friends with babies so I can get my baby-fix while being reminded as I look into their sleep-deprived faces that it wasn’t all rainbows and ponies.
But just look at my babies! On horses at a birthday party over the weekend. Wasn’t I just wearing both of them in carriers a couple of months ago? How did they get so big? Tessa is just minutes older than a newborn in my head. And Sabrina is around age 2 if I don’t think too hard. And yet, I look at these photos on my computer of these young girls. It makes me want to weep sometimes. Yet. Yet, I feel guilty at how much more I enjoy them now that they are young girls instead of babies and toddlers. It feels like I am wishing away their childhoods – which isn’t what I am doing. I just love watching who they are turning into. Now, can we freeze time for a little while?
The girls both loved the horse back riding. But Tessa seemed especially enamored with the horses. Sadly, unless we take out a second and maybe third mortgage, that is not a hobby we can indulge. I thought gymnastics was expensive. Yikes.