As I mentioned, I had a brief discussion with Steve this weekend about fostering.  A friend put it in my head and I put it out there for him.  He didn’t sound very enthusiastic (might have been the computer game I was interrupting when I tried to talk to him about it).  I thought about it some more and decided it was probably best if I just put the idea out of my head.  Problem solved.  Then Steve came home from work on Monday and said he thought I should go because it was what was best for our daughter and our family.  I was shocked.  I sent a few incoherent email to stranger friends and my agency asking questions.  I wasn’t really able to wrap my mind around it.  Steve and I talked about it a little more.  Tuesday I tested the idea out with a couple of real life friends, my sister, and my mom.  Surprisingly, they all thought it sounded great.  I thought at least my I-never-leave-the-county-if-I-don’t-have-to sister would say I was nuts but she was very supportive.  I keep waiting for someone to say “What are you thinking?” but so far that hasn’t happened. 

Last night, Steve and I went out to dinner.  We talked a lot about fostering and what it might mean for us.  We talked about what if we are apart for 6 or 8 months – financially and emotionally that would really suck.  But we are strong enough to get through it.  We talked about our concerns about her transition home if her attachment to her foster mom continued to grow.  We talked about putting our daughter’s needs and our family’s needs ahead of money concerns.  We talked about how often he would come down to see us and how we would stay in touch with each other while thousands of miles apart.  We talked about how this is truly a once in a lifetime opportunity.  We talked about how in the chickenbus I’m going to get all of that luggage down there.

So I guess I’m off on a grand adventure next month.  I’m not sure when I am going to leave yet – sometime shortly after Easter.  I have no idea where I am going to live or what money tree will pay for it all.  But our daughter needs one of us to be there with her and I have to ability to go.  I am fortunate to have the option available to me – not everyone has the choice. 

Honestly, I am terrified.  I’m not afraid to be a single mom while I’m there, although that will be very hard.  I’m not afraid to live in a country where I can’t drink the water and don’t speak the language (although I can order a beer so I should be okay).  I’m afraid of going down there for this indeterminate length of time.  I’m afraid of being away from home and Steve for 6+months if something goes wrong with our process.  Giving up everything in my world, except my daughter, for who knows how long is terrifying to me.  But the alternative is not being with my daughter for who knows how long.  I am not feeling excited yet.  I am hoping that the excitement comes once the shock and terror wear off.   

And just so everyone understands I’m not going to live in a resort, I’m not going to be living in this Antigua (resort island in the Caribbean where Britney spent 20 minutes in rehab).  This is the Antigua I’ll be living in (ancient city in Guatemala – no ocean or sandy beaches). 

I’m going to miss the end of the seasons of Amazing Race and Grey’s Anatomy – can someone fill me in on what happens?

Many people only take their dogs for car rides when something negative is happening – going to the vet or boarding them during vacation.  As a result, it is often suggested that we take our dogs for little car rides that don’t result in something negative – take them to the store or to the park.  This way they don’t associate going in the car with something bad happening.

I think my agency case manager is employing this tactic with me.  She called yesterday just to say congrats on PGN.  She randomly calls me just to say hi or to tell me my latest update photos were cute.  I know it is because she doesn’t want me to dread seeing her number on my caller ID.  Don’t get me wrong, it is very sweet of her (she’s a sweet lady) and I know how many people struggle with not getting call backs from their agencies.  But it doesn’t matter how many times she calls just to say hi, every time I see that area code on my caller ID I have a slight anxiety attack.  I hate to tell her it isn’t working because she is so sweet – but I’m afraid I might drive off the road or pass out in a crosswalk if she doesn’t quit it.  Do you think she knows enough not to call just to say hi around the time I would be expecting a previo or an out call?

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I talked yesterday about feeling hopeful.  I realized it has been such a long time since I felt hopeful about this process.  I felt hopeful when we made the decision to adopt – we were taking action to ensure we would have a family.  I felt hopeful when we received our referral and for the first month or so after when DNA happened quickly.  I felt a little spark of hope when our social worker interviews were done.  But this is really the first time I can say I’ve felt hopeful since our first “bump” of having to re-do our power of attorney in October.  Since then it seems we’ve hit many problems along the way.  I mean really, who gets pulled out of family court after the holidays?  I’ve had trouble getting the nursery started.  We’ve had 2 walls painted for 6 weeks, I haven’t picked out a crib, still not sure about a dresser, etc.  I’ve been so afraid to agree to a baby shower because I have visions of a beautiful shower and fast forward 4 months later still no Sabrina at home.

And even now when faced with the bleak prospects of the protocolo and the uncertainty of PGN, suddenly I have hope.  Me, the jaded smartass, I’m feeling good about things.  She is coming home in a couple of months – I can feel it.  I forgot how good hope feels.  Man, it is going to suck when this bubble bursts.

This morning, we are being submitted to PGN.  I know this feeling won’t last but right now I’m feeling hopeful that Sabrina will actually be coming home in the near future.  (By near, I mean May.)  I can’t imagine why entering the most convoluted, unfair, random portion of the process makes me feel hopeful – but it does, at least in the short term.  It’s the home stretch.  I know that odds are we will get a previo – our prior bumps don’t preclude future ones as many before us can attest.  I am hoping our previo comes fast and it is an easy fix (back in the next day would be nice).  My perfect scenario (this is where I always get myself into trouble with getting timelines in my head) is that we get a previo next week, back in the next day, out 6 weeks later and pink 2 weeks after that.  That would mean she would be in my arms for my first Mother’s Day.  Okay, maybe too perfect to hope for that.  I was feeling so hopeful this weekend that when my best friend started asking about throwing me a shower in Ohio, I actually said she could start planning one for late April/early May.  I’ve been putting her off for months (she’s almost as excited about Sabrina coming home as I am) but finally felt like I could tell her it was going to be okay.  Man, I hope I don’t regret that.  I figure if things go horribly wrong in the next 6 weeks I can always ask her to postpone it.  She wanted to know what theme I wanted.  I told her she’s known me for 20+ years – she should know I don’t want a freaking theme.  When pressed, I suggested Cinco de Mayo – complete with margaritas.  Heh.  There are some perks to this not able to get pregnant thing.

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I apparently made a couple of goofs when doing the SBP match ups last time – if you were a victim, I sincerely apologize.  It was totally my fault.  I will try to do better for the third round – promise. 

I’m thinking since the first round questionnaires were filled out in November, perhaps everyone should just do a new one.  If you strenuously object, I won’t force you but doing a new survey will allow you to update your status and your little one’s size/age.  So, if you want to participate in round 3, please complete these questions and email it to: secretblogpals@yahoo.com  I won’t be doing the matches until next Monday so you have a full week to contemplate your participation.  Here are the questions:

Name

Mailling address

Country adopting/adopted from

Where are you in the adoption process? (Is your baby home? Are you paperchasing? Do you have a referral?)

Gender, name, age, current size/weight of baby (if known)

Age you are hoping your baby will be at homecoming

Do you have a nursery?  What is or what will the theme be?

Do you have other children at home? If yes, ages.

Favorites or dislikes (for example if you are adopting a girl but hate pink, tell your blog pal this…or if, like Carla, you have a love of all things camo, share that…if your tastes are traditional or funky you can also tell your pal this)

Blog address

Email address

Any other info you think might be helpful for a secret blog pal

**Edited to anaswer the participation question in the comments.  We basically said anyone is adopting or has adopted and wants to participate can.  You don’t have to have a blog.  And if you aren’t adopting we probably wouldn’t tell you no if you want to participate because we are pretty nice and if you are reading some adoption blogs you probably “get it”.  Send me an email at the secretblogpals@yahoo.com address if you aren’t sure.

Also if you aren’t sure what SBPs entails let me fill you in.  We do the match ups for approximately 6 weeks.  During that time, we ask you to send at least one little gift to your pal.  It’s just a fun way to pass the time.  We suggest a limit of $10 before shipping but as adults you can choose to ignore that – we just don’t want anyone to feel like they can’t participate due to money.  I’ve also been kicking around a theme for this round – something like semi-homemade that would encourage more creativity and less money spent.  But I haven’t decided and you can all weigh in since this is OUR exchange.   

We were walking out the door when I got the email about being out of Family Court and in PGN yesterday so I apologize for the lack of verbs.  Steve and I had already had our happy moment over the news and he was sighing over my need to inform blogger land about our news.

For those not involved with Guatemalan adoption, PGN is the home stretch.  It is the last obstacle to completing our adoption.  It is also the least predictable portion of the journey.  It can last 6-7 weeks if you don’t get a previo or 6 months if you get multiple previos.  (Previos aka K.O.s are when they find a problem with your paperwork and kick you out of the process until it is fixed.  After it is fixed, you start over again.)

It has been a good weekend in our household.  Friday night we had a little date.  We went out to a local pub, had dinner, watched a hockey game, and then ridiculed people singing karoke.  It was fun.  Saturday we went to a new(ish) shopping area (an attempt at urban revitalization).  We browsed.  Steve bought himself a rather expensive pair of shoes while I bought a new ice cream scooper (hmmm…seems a little lop-sided).  We had a good seafood lunch.  It was a nice afternoon out.  Add to that our good news of movement on our case and girl scout cookies and you’ve got a pretty darn good weekend.

A friend is going down to foster short term.  That has me thinking about it.  I never thought I wanted to foster but I hate that Miss Sabrina is 6 months old today and not home.  I know after 6 months the grieving process gets much harder when they leave their foster family.  I know they start to be more aware of people around them and it is more likely we will have a difficult transition for each day older she gets.  But fostering is a huge thing.  It means paying rent in another place.  It means paying a second set of groceries and living expenses.  It means not having a car and not speaking the language in the country you reside.  It means not knowing how long you will live in said country.  Once you go, you can’t come back until it is done.  (It being the adoption.)  It I went down in early April, I could possibly be home in a month.  If I knew that would be the case, I would probably sign up today.  But if I get multiple previos or difficult previos or something ugly happens with the protocolo, I could be down there for 6 months.  There are no guarantees.  But, I am going to think about it.  It will reside in the back of my mind for the next week or two.  Hopefully we will hear news about the protocolo and maybe I’ll get a vibe from PGN.

First I just want to say that blogger is being difficult so I can’t comment on blogs with visual verification required – it doesn’t give me the letter scramble just the words ‘visual verification’ so I can’t comment because I can’t see the letters to verify I’m a person not a bot.  It has been this way all week.  So if you use blogger and you have your verification turned on, I’m still reading!

Okay, now to reveal the matches.  I will likely call for participants for round 3 next weekend so be on the look out.  Thanks to all who participated in this round!  And thank you to my secret blog pal – you rock Muriel!  She sent such wonderful and thoughtful gifts!  Any mistakes are purely my fault so please let me know if this list doesn’t match what I sent you when we started this round.
Tricia —> Carrie

Ginger —> Debra

Debra —> Seegal

Seegal —> Holly

Holly —> Laurie K

Laurie K —> Jennifer

Jennifer —> Tara

Tara —> Andrea

Andrea —> Megan

Megan —> Tracy

Tracy —> Carla

Carla —> Veronica

Veronica —> Dottie

Dottie —> Tricia

Julie P —> Alleen

Alleen —> Kim

Kim —> Lori

Lori —> Deb

Deb —> Eleanor

Eleanor —> Nicole

Nicole —> Muriel

Muriel —> Michelle (me)

Michelle (me) —> Julie P

Carrie —> Corey

Corey —> Amy

Amy —> Chou-Chou

Chou- Chou —> Holly (who got 2 pals because I had an extra person and her pal was unable to participate in the first round)

Leigh —> Caryn (who was a late participant and Leigh wanted a one way match)

Okay, I think that is everyone!  I had fun sending my gifts through vendors this round so I am not sure if my pal figured out I was her SBP or not.  I do the matches randomly.  The only one I manipulate is someone in Alaska – I make sure her pal doesn’t mind the shipping costs to Alaska before matching them.  I also had to make a last minute switch this time because someone got the same person as last time.  Otherwise, I match everyone up in the order I receive the emails saying you want to participate.  Hope you all had fun!

I’m not sure how I am feeling today.  Yesterday was a weird day in Guat adoption world.  Several people from my agency got OUT yesterday (congrats Jen & Vicki) but several people received previo calls instead (hugs to you Lisa).  The protocolo announcement was made yesterday but won’t be implemented for “a few weeks” because it wasn’t in the budget.  But I think we all know that UNICEF will pony up the cash if that is the only stumbling block.  I don’t know what will happen when/if it is implemented.  There seems to be some confusion about that.  I’m scared so I’m continuing my ostrich stance.  I can’t do anything else.  I know there are different ways the protocolo will be fought because Guat’s president is trying to legislate from the executive branch but all I hear is that it might halt things for awhile and selfishly that means all I hear is that Sabrina isn’t coming home anytime soon.  So I’m back to ignoring it until I hear it is implemented and I have to lock myself in a dark room with many boxes of girl scout – and you better believe I’ll start smoking again if that happens.

The good news? I have Girl Scout cookies in hand.

Which ones do you dream about all year? (By the way, these names are not the names my dealer Girl Scouts use. We have something lemon but it isn’t lemon chip and there is no apple cinnamon or chocolate chip to my knowledge.) I love the Samoas and the Tagalongs. Steve is a Thin Mint and Tagalong guy. I used to love the Trefoils but they stopped putting sugar on top and now they are a little blah. I talk about food so much on my blog, I really should make a separate category for it.

**Edited to add I still didn’t get my freaking cookies!  My boss called me on my way into work and asked me to go to an all day seminar in her place so I didn’t get to the office.  Arrgghhh!! And I can’t believe some of you have had your cookies for weeks!