Michelle's Front Page

Breaking up is hard to do

February 22nd, 2007

nosmoking.jpgThere were a couple of comments when I did the meme post about what was in my purse because I had a couple of books of matches and a lighter.  Most who commented said something like they were sure I didn’t smoke so why so many implements of fire?  Well, I did smoke.  Yep, I’m one of those evil smokers. 

I started smoking around the age of 14.  I used to sort of play at smoking until I moved to NJ.  I got off the bus the first day at my new school and saw kids lighting up.  I was freaking out – there were teachers right there?!? What were they doing?!? There was an outdoor smoking section at this school.  I had trouble making friends and the smoking section gave me a place to meet people.  We had something in common – we were cool, we smoked, we bonded.  So I became a real smoker at age 15.  I never thought I would be 34 and still smoking but here I am.  The problem is that I like smoking.  I always have.  Nothing better than a cigarette and a cup of coffee or a cigarette after a meal or a cigarette and a cocktail…ahhhhh.  

I kept saying I would quit when I got pregnant.  When that didn’t happen, Steve and I quit the summer before last.  We quit for a couple of months.  We made some rules because I couldn’t handle the thought of NEVER smoking again.  We agreed that we could smoke when we drank or when we went on road trips.  This resulted in us spending time in bars drinking when we never used to – just so we could smoke.  Steve had a few bad days.  He smoked and brought me a pack.  We quickly slid back into the habit.   We quit when we went to Guatemala in December.  When I received news of my dad’s passing, the first thing I did was grab a cigarette. 

So, I quit again when I went to Guatemala this time.  I have a much easier time quitting when I am out of my element.  I didn’t even think about smoking in Guatemala – I wouldn’t want to expose Sabrina to it.  We have both committed that we will have a smoke free household before she comes home.  Today is day 8 smoke free – they say the first 14 days are the hardest.  It is much harder to not smoke when I am going through my normal day.  My first thought when I get into the car to drive to work or after work is to light a cigarette.  When I sit down at the computer after work to read blogs or email, I reach for a cigarette.  I’m seriously okay without the nicotine now – it’s just that I don’t know what to do with my hands or how to mark time.  Smokers mark time with their habit.  We think “I’ll smoke a cigarette and then I’ll go make dinner” (hush, I always wash my hands) or “I’ll do the dishes and then I’ll sit down and smoke a cigarette”.  I don’t know how to not do that.  With the exception of those few months over a year ago, my entire adult life I have been a smoker.  I’ve been smoking for 20 years.  That’s a well ingrained habit.  How do you break it? 

My best defense so far is mint.  I hate menthol cigarettes so I hate gum or mints when I am smoking.  That and little dum-dum suckers help.  I tried blow pops once but my jaw ached so badly after the first couple of days I had to give them up – that gum is tough!  The only thing that has truly stopped me from “just one” in the past 2 days is that I know it will taste like crap and make me nauseous.  But sometimes that isn’t even so bad sounding.  Any other reformed smokers out there have any tips on how to resist the urge?

This entry was posted on Thursday, February 22nd, 2007 at 10:37 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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