Momma’s girl vs Daddy’s girl
When a child is close to/firmly attached to her (let’s stick with one gender because if I have to do his/her all through this I will get cranky) father, people see it as healthy, cute, sweet, and appropriate. It is met with enthusiasm. People comment about how little girls love their daddies. When a child is close to/firmly attached to her mother, people often see it as the child being spoiled, clingy, needy, indulged. Sideways glances are exchanged while people calculate future therapy bills in their heads. Why the different set of standards?
Sabrina, at almost 3, is a daddy’s girl. She was all about mommy for about 6 weeks after we returned from Guatemala and then Daddy became IT. Often when I get her up in the morning, the first thing out of her mouth is “Where’s Daddy?” When Steve is home, she will often reject my assistance with something and say “Not Mommy, just Daddy.” I’m not bothered by this nor do I blame her. She sees me all damn day long. Daddy comes home and is FUN! SHINY! NEW! He tickles and chases! (Not to imply he isn’t the whole package. He is. He also disciplines and puts to bed and etc.)
Tessa, at just weeks shy of a year old (shut up? when did that happen?!?), is a total momma’s girl. When she is upset or tired, often I am the only one who can soothe her. She prefers me over Steve much of the time. She likes to be held and comforted by momma. She is full of attitude and knows who and what she wants. I am enjoying this time with my baby because 1) she won’t be a baby much longer and 2) I have little doubt she will become a daddy’s girl because most little girls do. Steve isn’t bothered by her preference of me (she doesn’t reject him…she just prefers me) and teases me to enjoy it while it lasts because she will soon be a daddy’s girl too.
Basically, we have no problem with this what-so-ever. Other people do. Everyone ooooh’s and ahhh’s over Sabrina’s love of Daddy and what a great father Steve is. They think it is great/funny/sweet that she is all about Daddy. But when witnessing Tessa’s preference of me? I am warned that I should “nip it in the bud” and that I will “be sorry when she is 3 and still wants” all me, all the time and that I shouldn’t “spoil and indulge her”.
First, I don’t think that by responding to my child’s needs I am spoiling her. She has rules and boundaries just like Sabrina always has and they are age appropriate. Yes I might be a little softer with her because she is my last baby and is growing up so fast – but so what? She doesn’t like strangers in her face – that is a perfectly normal developmental thing at this point. (Personally, I’m not crazy about strangers in my face either – especially when they judge my parenting because my child wants them to back off.) She prefers one parent over the other right now – but so does Sabrina.
Tell me, o wise internets, do you see similar attitudes or is this unique to my experience? Does anything like this happen with boys too? And this assumes a traditional family, I’m sure non-traditional families come with their own set of stuff.
ours has been SO SO SO FLUID.
for a while (immediately post Guat and this mama was more than heartbroken about it all) E was a complete daddys girl.
ENTIRELY.
this lasted from about 11 months until…hmmmm….like 2.5? 3?
Now she is entirely the other way.
She adores her dad but refuses to go to sleep at night unless Im the one who stays with her (one of us leaves after stories on the weekends when he’s home…he now comes home fri for shabbat so potentially he could “finish” 3 times a week which ID LOVE—E is having none of it).
Oh
right
this isnt the CARLA SHOW ๐
back to you.
rolled my eyes hard at these comments:
I am warned that I should nip it in the bud and that I will be sorry when she is 3 and still wants all me, all the time and that I shouldnt spoil and indulge her.
IMO unless we are deliberately enabling our kids (Im thinking forcing them to become emeshed….I have one of these women in my sphere and its HEARTBREAKING TO WATCH) their attachments change with the years.
I was a daddys girl and now am so a mamawoman that I work to be SURE when I call home I sometimes ask ONLY for my dad.
frick.
this is long.
hope it helped.
a bit.
Oh my goodness, THANK YOU!!! I just noticed a similar thing happening in our family, and I am sooo grateful we are not alone! I have red enough mommy boards, parenting sites, and blogs to know that i need to try my best not to judge how others parent their kids. I am fairly good at this practice most of the time. But it is VERY frustrating when people say that Whitney is already showing an unhealthy preference for me. Youre SOOO right! She sees me allll day! Of course she wants me! And ya know what!? I have waited my whole freakin life to be her momma, so I am gonna love it NOW, while I CAN!
Thank you for writing this. I needed to read it today ๐
Sorry I dont have any “oh wise internetter” advice….just applause. ๐
Sigh – yes it is tough. Ally changes her preference, and we are a non-traditional family as you know, so I figure the preference and its fluidity (good word for it Carla) very normal. As a 2 mom family we do get tired of the comments about spoiling her – it was interesting to hear that you get that as traditional family – I never thought about that. Good topic – thanks for bringing it up. I’ll be interested to see what everyone else says.
Ahh, strangers and their ass-vice. Will they ever stop? Someone once told me that she wasn’t sleeping through the night at 2 months old because I was spoiling her. Do you know how I was spoiling her according to this idiot in the grocery store? Because I was wearing her in a Bjorn and because I breastfed. D’oh!
Anyway, my daughter is 100%, unabashedly a Mama’s girl, always has been. True, she loves her Daddy, but Mama is where it’s at. One notable exception is when she is absolutely scared shitless about something, then only Daddy can protect her.
You are so right.
I think this is especially true with boys. A “mama’s boy” is not a positive term, right?
It all goes along with our culture’s obsession with independence. As if by pushing our kids away before they are ready will cause them to be more independent. Quite the opposite. By meeting their emotional (and other needs) as children we are teaching them how to be healthy adults. And if their needs are met as children, they (hopefully) won’t spend their adulthood trying to fill the void. Just my 2 cents.
I have been an “attachment parent” as much as I can and my kid is soooo independent and outgoing. Some of that is due to personality, but still. I say ignore the “spoling” comments. Spoiling is what happens to milk or food that’s ignored and uncared for. You can’t spoil a baby by loving them and being sensitive to their needs.
I agree that the preferances of the kids will change over the years… and that’s normal. I love it when DS wants to be with daddy! I didn’t have a close relationship with my father (divorced family) and it just blesses my heart to see that my son has a “daddy” to count on.
OH MY!!! You hit the nail on the HEAD!!! And I’m here to tell you it is SOOO much worse when it’s the boy preferring Mom. “Oh he’s such a Momma’s boy,” “His girlfriends are going to hate you,” or, worse yet, “you are going to make him a sissy.” Please. He’s 4, people. Back off!
Fortunately my husband is secure in his own manhood and isn’t threatened by constant thoughts that my son is turning into a “sissy.” I’m so glad I am raising my son with him and not my Dad or my Brother. I never realized what homophobes they are. Sad. Guess sometimes it’s good that they live 3 states away.
Best of luck with this and PLEASE tell us if you riddle this one out. I can use all the help I can get.
Karrie in IN
It is true with boys that if they are strongly attached to their mothers that you would get those comments. However, part of that is because at around age 3 most boys switch from a mommy preference to a daddy preference. That happened to us. It breaks my heart a little bit that I only got 1 year to mom on the boy, but every so often I get my lovies in and they are so special.
I mostly got the snide comments from family because of attachment parenting. They didn’t choose to listen when we told them what was going to happen when we got home. Therefore they were a little bent out of shape when we wouldn’t let them feed/bath/cuddle him.
Great post! As a single mom, I get little comments from one friend in particular about “spoiling” Elizabeth because she prefers me over anyone else. Hello, I’m her *parent*, of course she prefers me. Sheesh!
Yeah, I have a mamma’s boy. ๐ He prefers me over Jay BIG time. He likes Jay and they have fun together, but he wants me ALL the time. And, add to that the fact that he likes princesses – and I’m sure there are many people talking about me and my parenting behind my back. Up until now, no one has said it to my face. ๐
All 4 of mine have flip flopped over the years over who is their fave. My 9 year old daughter started out like Tessa, then as a preschooler was more like Sabrina, then at 5 she’s mine again. The little boys: same thing – flip floppers. All of ’em. The little girl – she just went from Tessa to Sabrina and it’s breaking my heart. But I’m hopeful I’ll get her back eventually. ๐
Just try and ignore well meaning advice. When I’m on the receiving end of parenting advice, I repeat the (crude, yet true) cliche as a silent mantra: Opinions are like a*&$#@!, everybody has one. ๐
P.S. The ham/green beans/potatoes are in the crockpot. I am so anxious for dinner!
As a mom to three daughters, ages 13, 10, 8, I think you’re thoughts are exactly on target. My middle daughter was more attached to me than the other two and like her sisters, is a complete daddy’s girl, especially in the summer. I’m a teacher so all summer long, I’m there. During the school year, I notice I move a little higher up in their eyes. I’m not sure people who aren’t stay at home moms or even teachers will realize what a difference it makes to be the one and only care giver all day long. If I weren’t a teacher, I probably wouldn’t have ever noticed the difference myself.
Don’t let other people who’s opinion you don’t value force you to question your judgments. Easy to say, sometimes hard to live by! kara
Well, here’s my two cents worth with the grandparent component thrown in: When Elizabeth was born (the first grandchild on both sides) she became very close to my mom. At 18, she is still close to them (I remember someone telling me I shouldn’t let her be so close to them because when they die it will be too hard on her…duh, isn’t that what life (and death!) is all about!! Why would I deprieve her of a relationship because she may get hurt?) Anyway, they still prefer her to Sarah, my second daughter, who I purposely held on to because she was “mine”. Add “the boy” (my third) and suddenly both grandpas are interested in spending time with him. Yes, the girls are close to their dad and yes, I spoil “my baby” much worse than I ever did the girls, but the bottom line is they adjust and you adjust. Some days, one needs you much worse than the others and other days no one wants you…I feel it all balances out and hopefully, none of my children will need too much therapy when they grow up!
OMG. Nail head done hit. Alexis swings from preferring one parent to another and back again, and I have never heard anybody say anything rude about Mr. H carrying her little butt around. I pick her up, though? People comment. Every single time. WTH?
I have a daddy’s girl and a mommy’s boy. I totally understand the dynamics of other people’s opinions. Yes, my daughter is adorable when she is adoring her daddy. But NO, I don’t think it is a problem that my 3.5 year old son thinks his mommy is the best. They both deal with the fact that our schedules are crazy, and sometimes they can’t have the parent’s attention that they would prefer. But, I hate it when people feel a need to tell me that it isn’t good for my little man to be so close to me. REALLY? WHY?
This is why I read your blog. Not only do you validate MY existence, but today you even validated SALEM’s existence. Salem is my Tessa. And you nailed it on the head as to the double standard between being a Daddy’s Girl/Boy and a Mama’s Girl/Boy. I could write a small book on all my hurtful encounters that compare to my 2 boys or simply criticize Salem’s (what I believe to be) MORE TYPICAL attachment preference.
Have to include a ridiculous example – Vacationed in Hawaii. Looooong-ass flight, right? Stayed with my cousin and her family who we never ever see ever (because they live in Hawaii). Several times over the week (starting our FIRST morning there) I get “Why doesn’t Salem ever smile? Is he always so serious?” “Oh, that’s a good picture in front of that waterfall – even Salem is smiling.”
Seriously, dear cousin. Not only are you being incredibly rude, you’re just being unreasonable given the circumstances.
Okay, thanks for letting me vent.
The Boy is totally mama’s boy. Nobody has ever said a word about it, and they’d best not. I’ll let ’em have it.
In our house we have a momma’s girl and a daddy’s boy. They both have shown a strong preference for that parent since day 1. For our daughter who will be 4 in September she has been all about mommy since the first day we met her in Guatemala at 6 months old. And our son has pretty much decided that daddy is tops for him (but I wonder if our daughters desperate need for mommy has aided in that.) She was 2 1/2 when we went to Guatemala to bring home Brandon at 16 months of age. I keep expecting her to become a daddy’s girl but she still is all about me.
This is my 5th rodeo here… it is normal… I think I also studied this in Psych in college… it is normal. All my kids have gone through phases… we even make games out of it threatening to hold them down and tickle them if they say they are a Daddy’s boy/girl or vice verse depending on who is doing the asking. It is how they learn about relationships…with women, and men. For goodness sakes why can’t our kids be kids anymore without people trying to analyze future neurotic behavior before it happens.
J has always been and I suspect will always be all about me.
C, on the other hand, wanted nothing but Daddy for a while. But now tends to lean towards wanting me. Until I tell him for the tenth time to get back in bed…then I immediately get the ‘I want Daaaaadddddyyyyyy’!!!
Strangers just drive me bananas with their stupid comments. What do they care anyway?? My son seems pretty evenly distributed between the both of us – and unfortunately, getting smart enough to know which one of us to go to for what. Every kid is different and every parent/child relationship is different, and at different times. You’re good parents, they are good kids. Whatever you are doing is working, so pay them no mind.
I have two Daddy’s girls now, but not always the case. At less than two months Cassie would FREAK out if Joe changed her. Krista has always been ALL about Daddy. If he could have breast fed her she would have been happy!! I try to go with it. Reese is mostly a mama’s boy, and I get those comments all the time. I am ruining him, making him a mama’s boy, blah, blah, blah. Especially when I am telling family to back off!
Tessa is just fine. I say stick it to the strangers!!!
(I made your yummy ham, potato and green bean thing today and it was yummy and am loving your blog) Now…in my family Emily is the daddy’s girl and Josh is the mamas boy (and Josh is now nearly 11 and still prefers me near him and dealing with discipline issues and helping with homework and hugging on him)…I always thought it was a gender thing and actually always felt sad for parents of children of the same sex for just that reason as if for some reason they were getting “jipped”. … girls stick with daddys and boys stick with mommys and therefore the other parent, although loved by their children, never get to be the IT parent! I am SO happy that you have two beautiful girls and that you are still getting to be the IT parent! Tell all of those people where to go! (AND love on her that way forever and ever!)
(back reading the comments. love me some Hadyn. always.)
There’s definitely a double standard. People get way too freaked out about boys and their mothers especially. Thanks a lot, Freud. What a jackass.
I don’t know why anyone would feel comfortable criticizing someone else’s closeness with their child. It seems completely normal to me. Like so many others have said, it is fluid and most kids go through phases as they grow up. (And I’m glad someone brought up the carrying thing. I’ve heard a few comments about spoiling our daughter by continuing to pick her up and carry her sometimes when she asks. She’s three for heaven’s sake. If she’s still asking me to pick her up when she’s thirty-three then we’ll talk. For now, I’m going to enjoy that physical closeness while I can.)
We too have the same thing and neither of us (hubby or I) are bothered by it. But Katie is totally “mommy” all the way and all the time and yet Emily is totally “daddy’s girl”. I must hear at least 50 times a day “where’s daddy” When she gets a booboo, it’s daddy that she goes to have his kisses make it better. Personally, I think it’s just a normal stage of development and we’re not worried about it at all!
Comments from strangers — why are you guys talking to strangers, anyway? You tell your kids not to talk to strangers. This is what happens! Oh, so these strangers start up conversations with YOU? There’s a lot to be said for cultivating a sour face in public ๐
Srsly I don’t have many encounters to compare (besides one stupid woman telling me my big healthy baby needed to go on a diet — yeah, like a fully BREASTFED infant overeats) because I rarely converse with strangers. However, I have always encouraged the girls to seek out their daddy. It has gotten me out of a LOT of diapers through the years. Of course when Aunt Carrie is around, they eschew even the Dad Man in favor of Aunt Carrie and her high tolerance/lax discipline *heheh*.
But I’m the one they want to puke on.
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