Michelle's Front Page

Memo #579b

May 2nd, 2011

Dear Retailer:

I appreciate the email notification of your sales. Really I do. I love a good bargain and rarely make it to brick and mortar stores that don’t sell diapers and/or milk. Without your emails, I would never think to browse for clothing or accessories for anyone other than my children. Sorry about that not buying thing…nothing personal, I’m just that my children steal all of my money at a frugal point in my life.

I’m not writing to complain about your less than stellar sales in the past. Hey, times are tough all around. (But for future reference, please don’t use the word clearance for less than 50% off.) I’m writing to check that you understand the definition of the word everything. According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it means “all that exists”. Don’t believe me, here let me google that for you: click here. So when the headline of your email reads “40% off absolutely EVERYTHING” and the huge text in your ad says “40% off absolutely EVERYTHING” you can understand my confusion at the asterisk and fine print. If you don’t want to put everything on sale, perhaps don’t use the word everything?

Or maybe the confusion is absolutely and you meant almost?


Perplexed customer who probably wouldn’t buy anything anyway so feel free to ignore my advice

This entry was posted on Monday, May 2nd, 2011 at 6:08 pm and is filed under humor. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

7 Responses to “Memo #579b”

  1. burghbaby Says:

    That one is super high on my Most Annoying List. The “absolutely” is the part that always aggravates me. Say “50% off everything” and asterisk it with exclusions, but ABSOLUTELY means ABSOLUTELY.

  2. Laura Says:


  3. Bobbi Says:

    maybe we can sue them for false advertising, claim that it caused emotional distress, win a big settlement, and live forever in the lap of luxury!!!

    It’s my dream………don’t squash it.

    If it looks too good to be true, it probably is

  4. Priscilla Says:

    That always irks me – especially at the grocery store. “All Barilla Pasta on sale” (except the healthy kind). Bastards!

  5. Alleen Says:

    There’s a commercial on the radio right now here that says something to the effect of blah, blah “no exclusions”. It then goes on to say in then next breath “some exclusions apply”. Cracks me up.

  6. Laurie Says:

    You crack me up! 🙂 LOVE it!

  7. Rachael Says:

    Love it!

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