Dear Retailer:

I appreciate the email notification of your sales.  Really I do. I love a good bargain and rarely make it to brick and mortar stores that don’t sell diapers and/or milk.  Without your emails, I would never think to browse for clothing or accessories for anyone other than my children.  Sorry about that not buying thing…nothing personal, I’m just that my children steal all of my money at a frugal point in my life.

I’m not writing to complain about your less than stellar sales in the past.  Hey, times are tough all around.  (But for future reference, please don’t use the word clearance for less than 50% off.)  I’m writing to check that you understand the definition of the word everything.  According to the Merriam-Webster dictionary it means “all that exists”.  Don’t believe me, here let me google that for you:  click here.   So when the headline of your email reads “40% off absolutely EVERYTHING” and the huge text in your ad says “40% off absolutely EVERYTHING” you can understand my confusion at the asterisk and fine print.  If you don’t want to put everything on sale, perhaps don’t use the word everything?

Or maybe the confusion is absolutely and you meant almost?

Sincerely,

Perplexed customer who probably wouldn’t buy anything anyway so feel free to ignore my advice