Michelle's Front Page


September 8th, 2011

If I was being honest, I mean deep dark recesses of my mind that I don’t usually say out loud honest, I would tell you that having no contact with the birth mom went into the Pro column when deciding on international adoption.  It was by no means a deciding factor but it was there, in my mind, as a positive as compared to domestic adoption. Five years later, I have trouble believing I thought that way. From the moment the adoption was final (read: the moment we stopped operating through a haze of fear), Sabrina’s birth mom became a part of our hearts and our family. I expected that feeling would remain but I didn’t expect that it would grow with time.  With every year that passes, I feel more connected to this woman who carried our (hers and mine) daughter for 9 months. I ache more for this woman who made the ultimate sacrifice and kissed our beautiful girl and wished her well. I want so badly to be in touch with this brave woman and let her know how amazing our daughter is and how incredibly loved she is. I really didn’t expect my feelings for this stranger to grow stronger each year but as I watch Sabrina become this incredible girl I want so badly to share the joy of her with the woman responsible for her life. Each year I become more resolute – I will find her someday.  I want her to have the opportunity to know our girl (assuming she wants that).

I spent Sabrina’s birthday tearing up on and off all day as I thought of her birth mom. But I also spent the day getting ready for her first friend party (we usually just do a family thing).  Sabrina wanted a princess party.  In Sabrina’s world princess = whatever she likes.  The girls had tutus and wands.  The boys had pirate hats and eye patches.  Everyone enjoyed some chaotic play time  then pizza then cake.  A good time was had by all.

Photo taken by Crystal

She is just becoming so grown up.  Sometimes as I look through photos, I’ll see a moment captured and it will take my breath away.  An angle, an expression, a posture and suddenly I can see the woman she will be.  It fills me with joy and grief.  We all know time passes too quickly but to actually see the days speeding by never fails to startle me.

This entry was posted on Thursday, September 8th, 2011 at 11:34 am and is filed under adoption, family. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Responses are currently closed, but you can trackback from your own site.

10 Responses to “5”

  1. Shannon Says:

    She is so beautiful! Happy Birthday Sabrina!

    And I know exactly how you feel about her birthmom. I feel the same way about Emily’s mom. I actually spent about an hour of my labor with Colleen crying for her. I seriously can not imagine doing all that work of being pregnant and labor and then not being able to keep the baby afterwards. It tears my heart apart to think about how much Emily’s bio family missed…all her smiles and her little dimple and her great big laugh. I hope hope hope that I can find them some day and tell them about her. And say thank you. ok..crying now. stupid hormones. LOL!

  2. Cindi H Says:

    A beautiful tribute to Sabrina and her amazing birthmom… Happy 5th Birthday to Sabrina!

  3. tehamy Says:

    Happy Birthday Sabrina! What a beautiful post!

  4. debbie Says:

    HAPPY BIRTHDAY SABRINA. Wow, 5!! Five is SO much fun. My little girl is 5 too.
    Michelle, you are not alone. Thank you for putting in to words exactly how I feel. From having no contact as a plus when dreaming about adoption, to aching to know my daughters birthmoms and wanting it so desperately for my daughters. It brings me to my knees every day.
    PS. How goes the sale of the home? Are you still apart from your hubby. How are the girls doing with the seperation?

  5. Sonia in MO Says:

    Happy birthday, Sabrina! What a beautiful post, Michelle… it summed up my feelings about my daughter and her birthmom so well. I have to agree about 5 being such a great age – I loved this past year with my girl. The only heartbreaking part is watching them totally leave those toddler years behind and become young girls… as my daughter turns 6 in a few weeks it just amazes me how grown up she’s becoming. Last month she took her training wheels off her bike… I swear next month she will be asking for her driver’s license.

  6. Carla Says:

    Such a personal topic and one which was not easily decided in this house.
    If I were on my own I think Id have reached out to e’s birthmom and tried to forge a bond.
    I know so many who adopted from Guat have and though it has been a challenge for the woman I dont know one who regrets it.

    for me the moments that take my breath fully away are those where I see her and in a fleeting second see her birthmoms face reflected back at me.

    it makes my heart ache.

  7. Dana Says:

    Happy Birthday Sabrina!

    You said it all Michelle. That picture of Sabrina alone in the tutu, I can see a 16 year old Sabrina. WOW, she’s beautiful. I have similar feelings about Serenas birthmom and I’m always wondering how much Serena looks like her, does she have her hair, eyes etc. I too am grateful she carried her for 9 months because she is the joy in my life everyday. I can’t imagine how she felt having to give her up. It’s heartbreaking to think about how she feels daily and every year on her birthday. You said it all perfectly.

  8. heather Says:

    Crying as I comment because you spoke my heart and my path of feelings too. Exactly…I know it won’t be an easy journey, but I so long to find EJ’s birthmother. Family days and birthdays are more special and more heartbreaking with every year.

  9. Pattie Says:

    You are an amazing writer and photographer. Your words and pictures capture so many emotions. The pic of Sabrina in her tutu with the wand it magical! I’m glad she had a great bday.

  10. Bobbi Says:

    She is just breathtaking!! I am with you, I wish I could share some of these special moments with Reese’s birthmom. Sometimes I feel like I am stealing from her. She gave me so much, I want to return what I can. One day I hope that will happen!! Until then, I just try to enjoy him enough for us both!!

    Sounds like the perfect party!!!

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